I do not like it here. Everything is too easy in the hospital. The only suffering is physical, which is the worst type of suffering. What am I learning from this suffering? I am learning to be more careful with my breaths, that I cannot always trust surgeons?
There is a way to lean into it here that I do not like. There is an overwhelming pressure to complain. Everyone around me is saying, “hey, it’s okay if it sucks!”. Dude, if the general stuff here sucks, then your life must be really boring. I have infinite food, I have no economic stress. My family is here literally all of the time, and I am surrounded by people who love me. I lounge around all day and can please the other as much as I want. “Oh hey, it’s okay to not work. I am literally recovering in the hospital right now!” Shut the fuck up you fucking loser ass head ass lazy ass bum. As long as your fingers can move, you must reach.
I guess I’ll actually complain a bit here. It really only sucks when I am given hope, my trust granted to the doctors, or nurses, or whatever, and they tear it from me at the last moment, when I am most looking forward to leaving. Like come on, “you can leave tomorrow” every day of the week is nuts, and a 99% success rate? Over a thousand(or like 900+ something, whatever) surgeries and only 2 failures? You’re telling me I’m the 3rd?
Okay honestly there are other things I miss doing too. But that is because I enjoy doing things. I enjoy going on walks, going outside and exploring nature. It is the lack of the ability of mine of doing things that kind of pisses me off. I want to smell the fresh air and go stand in the middle of red square and look at Rainer. But there is a comfort trap here. Just because I can’t do some things does not mean that I cannot do anything. And it does not make it okay that I do not do anything.
I fell into this trap. It is, “I am in this situation in which people typically take it more easy. So I will take it more easy.” I fell into the complain trap, the trap of self pity. There is no point in pitying yourself. How do you come out of recovery? Do you want to be the person who just “rested”, or do you want to be the bird who never stopped flying? Why is keeping the engine running not the norm? People should be encouraged to keep fucking balling, not become stagnant potato sacks that float across the horizon.
All this pitying myself makes me sick. I better realize it now. Even though I am here, I have access to boundless resources. I have my computer, the internet, a supportive girlfriend, my parents here all the time, Max, and other friends who I can count on. This is really, really a nice place to be. There are so many people in the world who can’t even type this right now because they’re too busy starving to death. I don’t want to sound like a charity whore but I am really fucking lucky. If this was my lightning bolt, then so be it. It’s not so bad.
The past two nights, I woke up at 4 AM and like 5:30 AM (really 4:30 because of daylight savings), and actually felt anxious, for the first time in so long. Like the first time it felt really bad, like it was creeping into my arms and body. I hate this mental shit. Mental issues/disorders are the stupidest thing. It is literally all in your head, moron. I don’t have a mental disorder, but whatever that feeling of unease and unrest that crept through my body was really sucked ass. And I have no idea what caused it. What the fuck?
“Oh, well I’ve got a tube in my chest, so I can’t focus.” The only time you can’t really focus is when you take the drugs they give you. Sometimes it hurts a bit but you can totally just tank it now. I wonder if I feel less pain or if everyone is overreacting. You’ve been off of painkillers for a day and a half now, and it really feels a lot better. I hope I never have to take disassociates ever again, they really suck.
But back to the pressure of complaining. I hate that I felt complacent. That I still kind of do. I wonder why everyone is telling me that this sucks. I wonder if it makes them feel better if I say that this sucks, because then they have no excuse to complain about their regular life sucking if the guy in the hospital says it’s alright. Everyone says I have a really high pain tolerance, but maybe their tolerance is just low. Or maybe they lean into it. You can totally lean into physical pain too, by the way.
This is paradise for the narcissist. This place is every excuse to enforce the other you need. You have nurses, doctors, family, friends, all telling you to “Take it easy, you have to rest” when you don’t fucking have to rest. But the narcissist is jacking off to this scenario, the other of “You’re resting” and everyone enforcing it. But guess what moron? I’m here for a physical injury. My head works just fine! So stop pleasing the other.
ANDY YE 